On this episode of "Taylor Gets the Mail"...

"The Early Bird Gets the Worm"? What is this, who is this from?
This is like some local thing, right? Yeah I could support some West End thing, even if they were soliciting by mailboxes. But uh, no, they're talking about trees. Tree banding. Priority customer? What? This isn't a community notice?
No, it's about paying for getting trees banded. People pay for that?
That's a chunk of change to get it done--and I haven't gone out in two weeks because I gotta pay rent and I've been falling over in corners of desert greenhouses under the moon, holding my stomach, a tape worm, I'm sure, who is filling me out, filling him up, until I or he, that parasite, explodes.
But no, I can't order some tree banding. Although I'm sure if our trees were a little less diseased, it would at least not make us look like the drug dealers who lived here before us.
But what is this on the back? It's like a fucking ransom note--no wait, it's a Free Press headline.
It's an article about some insects.
"Bracing for an invasion of tree killers, traps have been set up around the city for the arrival of the deadly Asian emerald ash borer.
"The tunnelling beetle that has destroyed millions of ash trees in eastern Canada and the United States is now in Minneapolis -- a day's drive from Winnipeg. It will arrive here any day now -- on a wooden shipping pallet, in a crate, on firewood or attached to a vehicle, said city forester Martha Barwinsky."
Whoa, that's actually a little bit scary sounding.
"If the Asian beetles get past the border guards, scientists have predicted that they will eat through Winnipeg in 72 hours. The Canadian Army has deployed armed forces to the 49th parallel in cooperation with the U.S.A.
"Be warned those who try to hide their trees inside their homes--Asian beetles have been known to kick in doors and assault everyone on the premises, and then infecting the trees regardless.
"In response, the American Army has been busting into trees all over the Midwest and demanding answers. The forced entries are going too far, say some squirrels who have been caught in the middle of the Battle on Infestation. Several squirrels have reported to news stations, purportedly having broken wrists, paws, and tails."
Wow, the free press does some pretty good reporting.